Emotions

~Excerpt from A Light in the Dark~

    Morgan slammed the door behind her, and locked it. Fists clenched, nearly shaking in rage, her breathing heavy, she grabbed the books off her bed and hurled them across the room. The tears flowed freely now, as Morgan doubled over, her arms embracing herself as if she was trying to hold her broken self together as the pain overwhelmed her. It was as if she could physically feel the pain that was mentally ripping her apart.

With a deep gasping breath she reached for her knife in the drawer next to her bed. Hidden under her lipsticks, eyeliners, and tissues. The emotions were suffocating her; she had to let them out. It was the only way that came close to  expressing how lonely and hurt she felt. So alone. Her family was taken from her, her friends were taken from her, her home was taken from her. And what was she left with? A poor excuse for a family that was trying their best to make her her own worst nightmare? People who wanted her to be “normal” when normal meant being a slut, degrading all those around her, cursing God’s name in all that she did, not caring about any person or any thing except her self. What sort of life was that?

Her arms were throbbing now, as little red drops trickled down her fingers. With a hoarse scream of frustration, Morgan threw her knife as hard as she could at the wall where it stuck fast imbedded a full inch into the wall. She sank to her knees, sobbing, her head resting against the side of the bed.

Why God?! Why! What did I ever do to deserve this? What did I ever do to warrant this hell I am stuck in? Why won’t you help me God? Do you not care?!

Morgan’s fingernails scratched across the wooden floor then curled around the bible that she cherished and yanked it out. She stared down at it for a second, then flung it to the floor with her other books. It skidded across the wood then flopped open.

Huddled against the side of the bed, Morgan clutched her legs to her chest, her bloody arm smearing across her legs. She stared blankly; it hurt to think. Minutes passed. With a deep breath Morgan reached a shaky hand out and pulled her bible close to her, feeling a sharp stab of guilt for her outburst. The bible had landed open to the eighth chapter of John. As she was about to close the bible, words seemed to jump off the page at her, demanding she read them. Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

More tears spilled down her face and she silently implored, Dear God I’m sorry… I’m so messed up… I’m sorry… help me… show me where this light is you promised because my life feels like a freaking black hole right now. If you’re really out there... show me some light I beg you.